the fit

I haven’t been happy lately. I’ve been okay, but not really happy, and I was actually happy for a while.

I just figured out tonight that it’s because for a little while I FIT, and right now I don’t. When I say “I fit for a little while,” I mean the way I was living my life fit with the way I exist in my dream of myself.

In my dream of myself I am disciplined and physically active. I enjoy frequent stretches of time totally alone. I am careful about what I consume. I express myself quietly but utterly honestly. I am present in the moment, aware of my feelings, conscious of the moving breath of Spirit in All That Is.  I explore my experience by creating pictures and music or grouping words together. In my dream of myself I walk shamelessly with my fear.

But I am so easily hypnotized by watching various video screens, serving others, eating crap, and making money (so I can pay the bills to which I find myself all too conveniently enslaved). All these addictions blur my vision so I don’t notice that my life is not fitting my dream of myself.

You know how it is when you realize you’re wearing a shirt, shoes, or a pair of pants that doesn’t quite fit?  You just feel uncomfortable, can’t focus well, think certainly everyone else notices something, can’t wait until you can change into something that fits.

So excuse me, ’cause I’ve got to change into something that fits.